One year in

I know a lot of PCVs are reflecting on their service and the changes they have undergone. People can write about the challenges of Peace Corps, but it until you experience it, you can't prepare yourself for how it feels. I remember thinking this time last year, Peace Corps service can't be THIS hard everywhere. But the truth is, I have it very easy here in the Philippines. Over the long holiday weekend, I went to El Nido, Palawan to visit waterfalls, go island hopping, and SCUBA diving. While we may have the same challenges as a lot of other Peace Corps posts, we have so many places we can get away, relax, and rejuvenate.
     I find myself thinking a lot, This time last year I was.... Its really easy to recall what you were doing/feeling a year ago, especially during this past month. All the holiday fiestas are back and so its easy to recall those little feelings we were having 365 days ago.

Relaxing after Snorkeling in El Nido

Its been harder to think about stuff to blog about, and I was asking myself why that is. My only thought is that so many things have become so normal for me, that I do not think about blogging them. Things that used to shock or surprise me; things that I used think to myself “I really want to tell someone from America about this” have become less and less frequent. Its not that the Philippines has miraculously changed and become more American, I think it is most that I have become more accustomed to the Pilipino way

Every now and then I meet someone who makes me realize how accustomed I am to life here. For instance, a PCV had a friend visiting from the states and they decided to visit Palawan. Just answering the questions this person had about daily activities was eye-opening. For example, when we want to go anywhere, we just walk outside our door and wait for a multicab (or a jeepney for those of you more familiar with that term- only its much smaller than an actual jeepney). The visitor was asking things like “Is there a schedule? How often do they run? How long before one gets here? Where do we go to get on?” These are perfectly legitimate questions and made me realize that I’d become accustomed to the jeep situation. Also the types of pictures this person cared to take really surprised me; ones of stray dogs, roosters, banana trees and the electricity and water infrastructure. It has become hard for me to remember how it felt when I considered these things “odd” or “new”. It made me decide that I need to take more pictures of what I see every day, because it will be interesting to look back on when my time is over.

As of now, my most surprising observation about my time here is that it has become easier for me to be myself. As PCVs, the first three months of service involves fulltime technical, language, and cultural training. We are told what is taboo and what is acceptable. Our trainers ensure us that while we may stand out because we look different, if we adopt certain mannerisms and speak the language we will be more accepted and safe in the country. When we first get to site, and we no longer have our trainers to ask “So if someone says this… what should I do?” we tend to be hyper aware of our own and the locals’ gestures, body language, tone, etc. It can be so overwhelming on top of trying to understand and communicate in a language you are not comfortable with and trying to make a good first impression in a culture you are just learning about. All these factors can almost make you forget how to be yourself. 

The girls participating in "Stash Bash" during the Mid Service Training Conference to celebrate Movember

During this time, I remember feeling constantly tired. So far, professionally, the American working environment was so easy to navigate. Therefore it was such an alien feeling to be placed in a situation where I felt lost, there was no manual to consult, and I couldn’t seem to get the answers I was looking for. I barely had energy to do my daily tasks never mind try to explore my new home or anything extra. Many people at my school would ask me if the heat was making me tired or if I was pregnant and that’s the reason for my fatigue. It was like that for months. I felt like I was constantly in the spotlight, and I couldn’t relax. Nothing was predictable, I would have to contemplate every decision I made. I was constantly second guessing myself, “Is this the right thing to say?” “Should I have handled that differently?” “What did it mean when this person said/did this?” It was exhausting.

Some Peace Corps volunteers handle this seemingly effortlessly, and some never master it. It is a skill that is impossible to measure during an interview so you get a whole range of abilities. There were people who I met during training with way more worldly and professional experience than I, and yet have gone home due to numerous reasons (some including cultural fatigue) or seem to be really struggling. Over the past few months I have noticed a drastic change in my energy level. I am more talkative at work, I have the motivation to exercise and interact with my community more. I do not think it is necessarily anything my site has done differently. I think I am just more relaxed, and I feel more like myself.

Another drastic difference I noticed after the one year mark was about PCV’s as a whole. About 6 months ago, when we were all together for our In Service Training, all the conversations consisted of “How is your site?” “Do you still live with your host family?” “How’s work?” “Do you get along with your counterpart/supervisor?” etc. PCVs talked in generalizations about the culture and people. I felt like I was constantly comparing and being compared. We were all in the uncomfortable phase of learning our place in this crazy job I described earlier so we wanted to know that we were not alone in this. When we are surrounded by our community and people who have grown up in this culture, we forget that its normal to feel out of place and awkward in the beginning, so we were looking for comfort when asking those questions.

During this past conference, Mid Service Training, when we had all been in country for 1 year, the conversations were drastically different. It was almost taboo to ask about someone’s work. If someone did slip up and ask about it, it was usually followed with “ok” or “good”- end of story. If someone did have a real problem you sought out a friend or two for a private conversation- meanwhile before it felt like we were looking for anyone that would listen. Overall, people had accepted those things that were so “strange” or “frustrating” before. We were no longer comparing what we were doing because we realized how unique each site and each PCV experience is. We realized that while one site may have the interest in doing a great sustainable project, another site may not be ready yet- and that’s not necessarily a reflection on the quality of the PCV. We started evaluating our experience and work on an improvement scale instead of comparing to the most “rock star” experiences we read about before joining and were told during training. We talked about our last vacation, the darndest things kids say to us, adventures and misadventures. I felt like we were more like friends getting together to unwind instead of co-workers getting together and talking about work. I thought it showed a lot of growth PCVs went through as a whole. 

Caving in Sagada

I feel bittersweet about being half way done. While I am excited to return to the states and start the next phase of my life, I am also terrified that this phase is slipping by so quickly. Therefore I plan to take in all those sites, sounds, and experiences that I probably won't have again. I need to stop and appreciate all the convenient, and even inconvenient things I encounter everyday simply because I may not be able to experience that again.